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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275212">from the dining table</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cineraceuss/pseuds/cineraceuss'>cineraceuss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Tale of First Love [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Ceremonies, Dominance, Established Relationship, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grinding, How Do I Tag, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Marriage, Mentions of Taylor Swift, Quote: They kind of share that really (One Direction), Switching, rated mature for sum steamy scenes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:33:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,295</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cineraceuss/pseuds/cineraceuss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>dealing with a relationship when every eye in the world was on you was no easy task. but Harry love him. there was no point denying that. he loved him so hard it edged into dangerous (although it already crossed that border a few years prior). it hurt to see him kiss somebody else, hurt to wake up every morning with Louis's "smiling" face printed on every paper in the country.<br/>worst of all was that Louis was holding somebody else's hand.</p><p>or; the one where Louis and Harry try to keep what they have alive</p><p>this is part of a series, but can be read as a stand-alone work, although I recommend checking out the first one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Tale of First Love [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746904</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>from the dining table</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi, guys! I just wanted to say I am aware of the fact that the boys have expressed their discomfort about shipping them together, but this is just fiction I write for fun. don't take it too hard!<br/>I hope you enjoy it</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"a relationship?!" Harry almost shouted, perplexed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hung his head with a sigh. he was sitting on the couch, with Harry in front of him on the coffee table. if the latter closed his eyes, he could remember the way Louis's heart beat against his rib cage when they kissed, fast and untamed. it was a memory he was aching to dive into.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"yes, Harry I want to be in a relationship with you. is that so surprising?" he rhetorically asked, annoyance clear in his tone. Harry could tell it was something more than that, could read it in the way his body moved. after all, he learned that anger (read: annoyance) was a secondary emotion that arose only as a side effect of something stronger like sadness or pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>there was no time to dissect his feelings when they were having such a serious conversation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the situation was a complex and fragile one. in any other circumstance, Harry would've fallen to Louis's feet, thanking him for even offering something like that. it wasn't the case and he knew because the decision they were about to make would affect more than just their lives. they were part of something bigger, which made everything harder</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"maybe you just don't like me like that..." Louis whispered, and it was low and guarded as if he didn't want to believe it himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>this was a no-brainer. Harry leaned forward, knees almost touching the carpet underneath him. he grabbed both of Louis's hands in his and he looked up at him, a pleading look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"no, don't do that," Harry almost begged him. they were walking on thin ice, ready to plunge into something dangerous "you know how I feel about you, it's just that I- I never expected this coming from you. I always thought you were straight"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"why would you think that?" Louis whined high in his throat, as if the question personally offended him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry gulped and struggled to contain his smirk "oh, I don't know... maybe your model girlfriend gave me the wrong impression" he teased like the dirty motherfucker he was. Louis would've smacked him across the back of the head if his urge to kiss him smack on the lips wouldn’t have been stronger. they held eye contact a little bit longer, the older honestly trying to keep a serious composure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it didn't last. he let go, shoulders slagging and smile forming against his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I always thought I was straight, too. believe me </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> when I tell you it's not the case" Louis confessed, head shaking slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>only when he looked down at Harry did he notice the grin spreading across his face, dimpling, green eyes shining like the brightest stars. "isn't it?" he smugly asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's not" Louis clarified, knowing it meant something different, more important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'do you want to be with me?' 'do you like me as much as I like you?' 'are we ready to sacrifice for us?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the answer was yes to all those questions, although they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>too young</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know what it truly meant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry let his knees drop on the carpet, placing his palms on the couch and rising to press a peck against Louis's lips. he could feel the older smiling against him. he pulled his head back to look into his bright blue eyes that gazed at him like he hung the moon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>as cliche as it sounded, his heart stopped beating for a second, a paralyzing pain spreading through his body and turning into something beautiful, thrumming quietly under his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>huh, so that's what it felt like being in love. interesting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>keeping it away from the boys proved to be futile. they figured it out in the span of a day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"so you're telling me you got together yesterday?!" Zayn asked in disbelief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they were all hanging out outside the studio. since it was fucking freezing, there was no one in their close vicinity. the studio was mostly empty, too, only some producers and managers still hanging around. it was a safe place to discuss... things</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what do you mean?" Louis asked, gesticulating with the hand that held his cigarette, smoke puffing out with every word. his other hand was busy daintily holding Harry's, fingers unconsciously twisting the boy's rings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam looked at him as if he was stupid, then looked around their small group of people before explaining "well you always acted different around one another. I suspected there was something going on since that day Harry send the picture of you cooking on the group chat"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry furrowed his eyebrows at him as if Liam revealed a big secret. Louis just huffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what?" Niall added, defending his friends "this certainly proves it wasn't such a stretch"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>nobody spoke for a second as they just gazed at one another, trying to come to a silent agreement for an argument that didn't even exist</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"whatever" Harry finally concluded, always the wise guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>keeping it away from administration was a tricky task they quickly failed at.</span>
  </em>
  <span> unlike with the rest of the band, Harry and Louis actually wanted to keep it away from their company and managers. they feared exactly what happened: restrictions. at first it was a mellow thing, barely there. the dynamic of the group wasn't affected and their fans still viewed them as their dream guys. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it all changed the first time they had sex. in all his years of life, Louis would've never expected to take a dick up his ass. things changed, and he found out he liked it. a lot. which came as a shocking thought, but he couldn't be bothered to care when Harry looked like a literal god, with his hair slicked back, naked body pressing against his and sweat shining in the dim moonlight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>mesmerizing sight, hottest thing he has seen in his life. he was hard only thinking about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the first time, he was surprised. he had every right to be, in his opinion. he was older, probably more experienced, and Harry always acted like a baby, stomping and whining when things didn't go his way. you couldn't blame Louis for almost combusting when Harry effortlessly lifted him from his place on the couch and sat him down on his lap, lips never breaking contact. his first instinct was to pull away and scold him for doing that without a warning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>all signs of protest died in his throat when Harry grabbed the hair at the back of his neck and used his leverage to angle his head differently, licking into his mouth with fervor. Louis fully moaned against his plush lips, hips pressing down on their own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they parted to catch their breaths, keeping the close proximity. he could feel Harry's hot breath fanning against his neck and it drove him mad with need. the younger replaced his hands, one coming to hold his neck and the other harshly grabbing his hip. he placed wet kisses across the expanse of golden skin, moving him down against his groin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis threw his head back, exposing more of himself to Harry. he decided in that moment that the latter could do whatever the fuck he wanted and he wasn't going to complain. heady grunts and whines escaped his throat, some sounding dangerously similar to Harry’s name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>his eyes rolled into the back of his skull. Louis had never felt something like that before, and Harry hadn't done anything other than kiss his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>but then he ground up against Louis' ass. he wasn't familiar with the feeling at all. for a second it sent his doped up brain into a frenzy. then he did it again and he let out a moan so loud it was embarrassing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"oh-oh my fucking god, Harry!" he let out and it processed into his mind for a second how debauched he sounded. "do it again, please"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis never begged. until he did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when the younger provided him with exactly what he needed, he wasn't afraid to do it again and again. he clutched at his broad shoulders, trying to anchor himself in reality. the world outside of them lost all meaning when he was whining and grinding on Harry's cock like a starving whore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was incredible, really, being dominated and manhandled like that and still being in control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>after the deed was done, there was a small thrum that got louder and louder in his mind. Louis had just slept with a man and he bottomed. it scared him for a second. what would his parents and friends and anybody say about him if they knew? how did it affect his masculinity?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you won't freak out on me, will you?"Harry asked and his deep and raspy voice brought him back to the surface. he was in Harry's bed, lying together under the blankets, bodies pressed against each other. Louis's head rested on the younger's chest, palm placed square over his beating heart. he traced small circles into his skin as he let the steady beat wash over him. he was fine, in the arms of a person who would do just about anything for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he knew the silence was starching and despite Harry's collected appearance, Louis knew he must've been concerned for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I won't, I promise" he responded truthfully. he was still the same person he had always been, except he found the gate to this </span>
  <em>
    <span>utopian</span>
  </em>
  <span> world filled with pleasure and Harry, taking him apart piece by piece.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he moved his head and locked their eyes together. green like the expanses of a field in the spring. the younger searched for any sign of discomfort and dishonesty, but found none. which caused a giant smile to spread over his stupid face. he tried, he really did (he didn't.) to seem distant and chill, but he failed miserably as he felt his lips pull upwards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"such a fucking sap" Louis teased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"only for you, honey" Harry sang as he leaned down to place a tiny kiss on the tip of his nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the words were directed at Louis, but Harry had no actual intention to speak them out loud, which he could tell. it would've been better if he didn't because tears were prickling in his eyes and Louis rarely cried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>their relationship shifted after that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was none of their fault that they couldn't bare being away from the other; even if it meant a few meters apart. Harry needed to feel Louis close to him, to feel his rumble of laughter strike across his chest. the latter also needed to have Harry's giant hands </span>
  <em>
    <span>anywhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> on his body at all times if he wished to keep a bit of his sanity intact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Modest picked up on it pretty fast. during their time as a boyband, problems appeared as fast as a summer storm. apparently, everything about them was wrong. Niall needed to slave for even a line in a song, Zayn had to act like his ethnicity didn't even exist and while there wasn't a single topic they particularly hated about Liam, they hated him as a whole. they hated all of them, in fact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry were no exception, quite far from that. they didn't like the way Louis gazed at Harry, the way he smiled, stars shining in his eyes. they didn't like the way he could always see the light at the end of the line whenever things got hard they didn’t like that flamboyant and carefree side of him. they didn't like how Louis gave his </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> to make everybody feel loved and accepted and to actually change the world with his immense talent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they hated Louis for everything that made him </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, hated Louis for every reason Harry loved him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>and don't get them started on Harry, they despised him. Harry was too loud, thinking and acting too out of the box. he didn't fit the concept of every girl's crush, he was stubborn and quick to break the rules. the boy had too much sense of self, too much personality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and wherever Modest saw character, they seeked to destroy it. thinking for yourself and acting out of their beliefs could lead to drama and scandals and a drop in their success.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>that's what they drilled into them from the moment the band formed, when they could do nothing more than follow the strict rules set out for them. suddenly, their life was not theirs anymore. there was no decision to be made when you had people hired to make it for you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>living their teenage years as fucking robots was no easy task, but Louis knew that it was all worth it if he got to sleep every night in Harry's arms and wake up with the curly haired lad popping his head from their bathroom, smiling around his toothbrush and happily wishing him a "good morning!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>sometimes, Louis was absolutely convinced that the younger was going to be the death of him. when he grinned at him, dimples carving into his face, emerald eyes turning into pretty crescent moons and perfect teeth lighting the whole room, Louis could bet one day that sight would be too much for him and he would drop dead on the floor. it was a good reason to pass away, he thought, and clearly worth it if he got to see Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Modest didn't affect them much because they were in love. until it did</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"for God's sake, stop doing that!" one of their managers screamed at them. their twin smiles fell at the same time as the boys turned their heads towards the man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"do what?" Louis asked first, brows knitted. he was annoyed, which was never a good sign. Harry let his eyes on his face, trying to calm him through his gaze only </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"that!" he repeated, pointing with a hand towards the younger's fond face. Louis looked at his boyfriend then, pissed off expression still present</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what, look at each other?" the older questioned again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the man crossed his hands over his chest, features hardened into a stern gaze. he wasn't joking, but they weren't either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"from this moment on, you two won't be allowed to act like fags around each other. in fact, I advise you to keep as much distance as possible, otherwise other restrictions will be introduced" he concluded finally, nose already in his phone as he turned away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they stood in silence for a while. Harry was the first one to gather the courage to open his mouth </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"bullshit!" he whispered under his breath. Louis only gulped around the lump in his throat, slowly nodding his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's alright darling, we can do this" he reassured him, placing a hand on top of Harry's.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and they did it for a while. they went to Paris, Amsterdam and Rome together and Harry decided then he would never feel as much love and adoration as he felt when Louis kissed him on the cheek on top of the Eiffel Tower. his whole face caught on fire, eyes almost bulging from his head. he was lucky enough to be facing away, into the night sky, grabbing at the railings that helped him avoid inevitable death. Louis was right behind him, close enough to feel his body heart radiating towards him, but far enough to be considered a 'no-homo' distance. he unstuck one of his hands from the metal bar and circled it around Louis's waist</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's past midnight" Louis whispered into his ear as he craned his neck to place it on Harry's shoulder "happy Valentine's day, Haz!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>his brain stopped working in that moment, every fiber in his body concentrating on the man's presence all around him, but mostly inside his heart</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"happy Valentine's day to you, too, honey!" he giggled into the cold air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>as they stood in the car, making their way back to their hotel, Harry thought of the first time they said 'I love you'</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>he was doing their laundry,  back turned to the entrance of their kitchen, hands busy separating the whites from the colors.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I lost another sock today," Louis complained from the doorway, leaning against the wall.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry bothered to throw him a quick look over his shoulder, long enough to notice the cute pout on his lips. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm sorry for you loss, mate. we should organize a funeral for it" Harry mocked, hands still occupied</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>he could hear the exasperated huff coming from his partner. "you're always so insensitive! I hate you!" Louis whined again like the oversized baby he was. it was a dangerous game he was playing on his heart.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry couldn't help but chuckle. Louis was so sweet and adorable from every point of view. except when he was a demon sent from Hell to make him sin</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"love you, too, Lou"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>and then he froze. after a few months spent together, Harry developed a Louis-sensor that helped him locate him wherever he was. he could tell he was still in the doorway, stuck to the same spot. he could practically invision his open mouth and baffled state. the younger let out a whispered 'fuck!' because honestly </span>
  </em>
  <span>fuck</span>
  <em>
    <span>. he screwed it up and he damn well knew it!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"did you mean it?" came the serious question.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>it was his chance to step out of this situation, hands clean. he decided to give him the truth instead:"yeah, I love you" he confessed again, this time barely a whisper.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>silence was never a comfortable thing, no matter how people spoke about it in books or songs. two arms wrapping around his middle part were enough to make his body sag, tension leaving it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I love you, too" Louis told him before pressing a kiss against his clothed shoulder</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>entering their hotel suite in Paris, Harry turned around, crouched down and hugged Louis around the waist, squishing his cheek against his chest. the older let out a breathy call of his name, looking down at him in surprise. despite that, he wasted no time in embracing him back, placing his chin on top of Harry’s mop of curls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the times when they could hold each other in that position were few considering their height difference, but that was maybe what made Harry love it even more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry believed in the quote that home was both a place and a person, and he was convinced Louis was his home. nobody had ever made him feel so safe and protected. Louis was his everything. right then and there, tucked in his arms, he could feel his muscles relaxing, a heavy weight rising from his shoulders. suddenly, he didn't have to carry all those problems and insecurities alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he kissed his chest, moving higher and higher across his neck then square on his mouth, a loud smooch. he repeated the motion, smiling forming on his lips as Louis tried to keep his giggles in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"stop being so sappy!" Louis teased, trying to push at his chest but with no actual force behind it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry lightly kissed both his cheeks before looking him in the eyes "why? it's Valentine's day, can't I kiss my pretty boyfriend?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>his words were laced with honey, but Harry felt a pressure against his chest. he wasn't the only person that called Louis his boyfriend, and while the older reassured him thousands of times that Harry was the only one for him, it was hard not to let jealousy get the best of you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he discovered quickly along the way he was the jealous type, although Louis was a lovely and loyal boyfriend. he just didn't like the thought of anybody seeing him as Harry did, like it was a thing reserved strictly for him. Modest forced multiple girls upon them as soon as they found out about their relationship. Louis had to get back with Eleanor. she kind of knew what they had wasn't the real deal, but the singer was a good tool she was willing to use to make herself known into the big bad world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry dated Taylor for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>she was a kind and beautiful person, and if Harry concentrated on her eyes alone for a long time, he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel something for her. blue eyes like Louis's, but his boyfriend's shade was unique in the whole world. nobody was allowed to hold so much power in only their gaze. having fake relationships was hard, none of them was about to lie and say it wasn't.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry wanted to rip his skin off every time he imagined his pretty pink lips on somebody else's. it made him physically sick, like his food was throwing a rave in his stomach. Louis was better at concealing it, but the younger secretly knew he was just as pissed off as him. when another fake rumor of him sleeping with a girl popped up, Louis would become all sulky and wouldn't calm down until Harry kissed him silly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>there were about a thousand things wrong with their relationship, but none of them were willing to give up on each other. it just wasn't an option. not even when Harry woke up with cold sweat running down his body, shirt sticking to his sides. as a string of continuous slurs he heard from the paps laced with the ones he heard from management played like a broken record in his head, he could faintly feel Louis massaging his back, holding his balled up hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>bitch, whore, womanizer, fag, ungrateful, untalented</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>maybe one of the reasons Harry never gave up on Louis was the fact that he was the only one that could make the voices stop. just as he did in that moment as they fell back on the tiny couch in their Paris room. Harry was on top, thighs straddling his tiny, </span>
  <em>
    <span>tiny</span>
  </em>
  <span> waist, limbs heavy and out of place. Louis just laughed, lifting his head off the cushions to lick at his jaw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you feel kinda nice in my lap" the older confessed and it was hard as </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> for Harry not to blush like a schoolgirl.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"stop!" he whined against his chest, parroting his words from a few minutes ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn't pay attention as he carded his fingers through his chocolate curls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they stood like that for a moment, embracing each other as if there was no rush. maybe it wasn't. it was moments like this that made Harry question why they were struggling so much. it seemed so easy and natural despite what some said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"wanna switch today?" the younger asked as if it wasn't a big deal. he felt Louis wheeze underneath him. he trembled a bit against Harry's body, one hand coming up to push his fringe away. he didn't have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> it to know it happened, he knew him for long enough to note every little gesture he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"if you feel up to it, sure" he offered, feigning nonchalance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry rose from his position, placed his (</span>
  <em>
    <span>giant</span>
  </em>
  <span>) hands on the other's chest, narrowing his eyes to look at him as if judging.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I trust you to do it" he said sincerely. he knew Louis would never do something he wasn't okay with. "plus, you probably need a break to recover" Harry continued, gesturing vaguely with one hand, an arrogant smirk on his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis did nothing more than show him the middle finger, motion at which Harry bent down and darted his tongue out to lick the digit like the walking sin he was (even at 18).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was one of the first times Louis topped that night, and it was incredible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"it's not fair, you know..." Harry trailed off as he watched Louis brush his teeth through the open bathroom door. the younger whined like a bitch when Louis got out of bed that morning. somehow getting fucked by him made him clingy like hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the older only rose an eyebrow at him as he continued his actions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I mean you're crazy good at receiving and you literally ruined my ass last night" he said, no sign of embarrassment. Louis on the other hand almost choked on toothpaste.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you're one to talk!" he argues as he rinsed his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm telling the truth" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was just adorable as he padded against the hardwood floor, moving towards the bed and crushing into Harry's arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I feel like I'm going to fall on my face if I try to stand up" he complained like the drama queen he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"well, we have that interview we can't miss today" he reminded Harry, which earned him a pained groan "welcome to my world" Louis said as he placed one last kiss on his cheek before getting up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled in his chest as he heard his boyfriend complain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"there's no way I do this to you every day" he retorted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a moment to give him a raised brow, spare shirt in his hand "Harry..." he started slowly, casting his eyes down at his groin. he let them linger for a moment as if to make a point before looking back at him "you have to be kidding me"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>in Louis's opinion, no teenager had the right to have a literal third leg like Harry did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>needless to say, after that interview things went to hell. the restrictions multiplied. it was hard as shit to be in a happy relationship when you had at least a dozen of people hired to destroy said relationship. Harry really tried to follow the rules, hoping that if he behaved well Modest would get off their back. spoiler: they didn't.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>his life wasn't his anymore. "wear this, say that, don't do this, hang out with that person" and so on. he valued his freedom thank you very much. it was hard to get up every morning, plaster a smile and pretend everything was fucking fine when it clearly wasn't. and Louis was just as tired as he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>life was shit for both of them, but when Louis smiled at him from across the room, genuine and holding something like a secret between the two of them, he felt like he could finally </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the boys were a giant help. whenever they would see them looking down, they would jump in action.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"so, are we going out tonight?" Niall asked as he suddenly flung an arm around their shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"kinda tired for that right now, mate" Louis declined. a cup of tea and sleep were the only things on his mind</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"but we haven't hung out in so long!" Zayn complained, popping in on the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Louis looked at each other, desperate to find a way to extract themselves from the situation</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"maybe it's not wise to go out when we're so busy..." Liam defended, always the life saver "I think we're all too tired for that. what if we buy some cheap snacks and beer and we go watch a movie at my place?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they nodded between themselves. that was a plan Louis and Harry could get behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>you couldn't call it a marriage because legally it never happened, but it was enough for the two of them. everything was going terribly, but every time they had even a minute to spend together there was no denying it: they were still in love. sometimes, when they laid in bed at night, cuddled under the sheets, feet interlinked, Louis wondered for a second if this feeling of being so fucking whipped would fade away. 3 years passed and he still lost himself in Harry's eyes every chance he got. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>with the cold hands of industry tightly wrapped around his neck at all times, even hearing Harry breathe next to him gave him the power to move forward, the power to keep his heart beating. a codependent relationship was never what he aimed for, but he would take anything he could when it came to the younger. there was no denying it, Harry was Louis’s lifeline after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was a small gathering, the five of them dressed to the nines surrounded only by people they trusted with their life. there was no point in risking it for some bastards. no more than a dozen of people. but that was fine, they didn't need anybody else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>as Harry looked at Louis's dumb smiling face, holding a ring in his hands, he was sure that was everything he was ever going to need. it didn't matter what others said about them, Louis was the love of his life, the only person that made him feel everything and nothing at once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was like a dream from every point of view, for when they were sleeping, hours could pass like the wind with only the darkness surrounding them or they could completely lose themselves in a world of their own making. king of the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>that's what it felt like loving Louis. he stared at his ringed finger like a fool. he would die for Louis, he realized in that second. jump in front of a car, put a bullet in his head, you name it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they never used the term husbands</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to marry you the right way, Harry!" he explained, clutching his hand tightly as they strolled around the private area of their resort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he didn't ask anything more of it, although he wondered what that meant</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"like... our families on different sides of a white carpet, you and a pastor waiting for me at the end of a the line, my sisters and Gemma as groom's maids and the boys as groomsmen." he went on as if he could pick up on Harry's confusion from his posture alone</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the younger stopped in his tracks and he looked at him with a serious gaze. the facade cracked easily, morphing into a grin</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"always the romantic at heart" Harry cooed at him. Louis only huffed and punched him in the arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"fuck you..." he whispered under his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they made their way towards the little apartment they ranted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“who would be the best man?" Harry asked after a while, horrified look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the realization dawned on them at the same time</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"oh my god" Louis gasped. that was an impossible decision to make, they couldn't do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Niall would tear all of us to shreds if we didn't choose him" Harry concluded slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>they both broke out into giggles</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was better for a while. until it wasn't. dating scandals for relationships that didn't even exist. fans picking out on their carefully planted hints. Modest making their every living second hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>problems gathered as quick as dust on old furniture.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay's wedding came like a blessing upon them. for once, they could leave the hustle of the city and enjoy a private event with his second family. Harry didn't like to brag, but you could say the Tomlinsons had a soft spot for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie was a bit skeptical at first, but granted Harry</span>
  <em>
    <span> was banging</span>
  </em>
  <span> his big bro. she was crazy smart and it was only logical for her to be cautious around him, but she declared him worthy of Louis as soon as Harry made him laugh so hard he spat water through his nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Harry!" Fizzy screamed at the top of her lungs as she broke into a crazy run towards him. he could only smile as he scooped her of her feet, the girl still giggling happily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"hi to you, too" Harry chuckled. the Tomlinson family was just as much his as everything else. he loved them all to death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis cleared his throat next to him, arms crossing over his chest. "you don't greet your brother like that..." he complained, trying to look irritated. he secretly enjoyed it, this closeness they had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy opened her mouth to probably give out a snarky remark. "technically, Harry is our brother-</span>
  <em>
    <span>in-law</span>
  </em>
  <span>, so..." someone fought back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry rose his eyes to find Lottie, a pretty smile on her face as she mirrored Louis's position. they took so much after one another. Louis only huffed, rolling his eyes at his sibling's jokes, but Harry was too busy melting to bother with his whiny boyfriend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>brother-in-law.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the word stuck to him. he rolled it around his mouth, weighted it on his tongue. it seemed right. Jay quickly appeared, too, the twins strolling behind her. she wore a white dress and the most beautiful smile Harry has ever seen. Louis's smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"look at my boys" she cooed. there was only adoration in her eyes. Jay always made him feel at home. she reminded him of warm cookies, obnoxious laughter and lax bodies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"hey, mom!" Louis greeted first, burying his face in her shoulder as they hugged. he clung for a beat too long and Harry read so much emotion in that tiny gesture. he was tired and afraid and stressed out. he had a thousand things to discuss with her, things he needed to get off his chest. Louis desperately needed Jay in that moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>after their embrace ended, Jay looked up at him. she looked younger than the last time she saw her, happiness working as an Elixir of Life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"hey, mom" Harry parroted, a small smile etched across his lips. he could feel Louis slightly nudging him with his shoulder, but he was too excited to be back with the Tomlinsons to care. she just chuckled before pulling him to her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"hello, darling!"</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>they strolled around the area. the service finished a couple of minute ago. it was a beautiful ceremony filled with smiles and laughs and cheers. Harry kept close, hands brushing slightly as they walked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you're slowly stealing my family!" Louis helplessly complained. he looked happy, though, at peace. Harry hadn't seen him so relaxed in months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"hey, I'm not stealing anything" Harry argued, right hand coming from his pocket to gesticulate "they chose me instead of you" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kicked him in the shin, but they were content. things seemed to fall into place </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't believe you got married before your mom" Liam joked as they were all filling their plates with candies. both Harry and Niall barked out a laugh. Louis turned as red as a tomato.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he fumbled for words for a second and honestly? he was goddamn adorable, fringe falling into his pretty blue eyes. Louis came up with nothing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was actually so worried about this" Harry confessed as they all made their way towards their assigned table. Liam rose an eyebrow at him, always the concerned big brother. "it was the first time I hung out with the family after our ceremony. I wanted to make a good impression" he continued like an upset kid, pout on his lips</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was his boyfriend's time to laugh at him. Louis immediately rose on his tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"mate, you could literally shit on the table and the Tomlinsons would love you" Liam argued. fair point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it evoked giggles from all of them. any other day Harry would be worried about their appearance: laughing, whispering and shouting like little children. it didn't matter then, they were safe. nobody was going to judge them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>as Louis placed his hand over Harry's one that was resting on his thigh, the latter could close his eyes and imagine. imagine they were just 4 normal lads, bantering between each other. imagine the two of them were normal boyfriends, already engaged with the promise of forever wrapped around them like a warm blanket. he twisted Louis's simple silver band on his finger and he smiled at him, eyes sparkling brighter than the stars.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he could imagine</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>New York was their breaking point. they had great sex that night, better than it had been for a while. it was great because it had some type of finality to it. Harry fucked with desperation, like it was the last time he would get to have Louis like this. his stomach did flips for a full 24 hours, and even as he woke up the next day he could still feel the bile rising up his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he placed a kiss against his boyfriend's forehead before he swung his feet off the side of the bed and padded quietly towards their cramped bathroom. they weren't planning to stay for a long time, popping in and out for the weekend. they had a life waiting for them in London, one he wasn't too keen on returning to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>don't get him wrong, he was grateful for every aspect of his life. kind of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he looked into the wide mirror, palms placed on top of the sink. he didn't recognize the face looking back at him: droopy eyes void of any light, dark bags under them. his skin was patchy, feeling rough to the touch here and there. his hair was pretty long and he intended to grow it a bit more. he was dedicated to donate it for charity. "a noble cause" as Niall called it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it came as a shock to everybody when management allowed him to grow it out. Harry hated that. he wanted to be free for once in his life. he wanted to choose the clothes he wore, the length of his hair, the accessories he bought. he was tired of pretending to be a different person. and frankly, he felt like he couldn't do it anymore, hide everything he loved in fear of rejection. Harry couldn't give two craps about what they thought about him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>homophobic and racist sons of bitches.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he needed a change. </span>
  <em>
    <span>no more hiding</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>as he fumbled on the couch, fingers playing with his ring, he replayed Louis's vows over and over again in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I vow to love you no matter the consequences, until the day I die, hoping that you will be there next to me to guide me to the other side"</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Harry wanted to cry and punch something and scream it at the top of his lungs. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Louis Tomlinson loved him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. he only wished he would plunge into the unknown with him.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to come out" he finally told him at breakfast. Louis choked on his food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span>?!" he sputtered eyes wide, body on edge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to come out" Harry repeated slower this time "is that so surprising?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and suddenly the words transported him back to 2010, in their tiny flat in Princess Park, when Louis asked Harry to be his for the first time. huh, it seemed fitting</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's-... yeah, a bit" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry waited for him to continue, searching for an explanation. it never came. "I literally married you. I think it's understandable that I want to tell the world what I feel"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stood in silence, gaze cast down as he delicately placed his knife and fork next to the plate. he was trying to ground himself, the younger realized.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think it's wise" he started "there is a lot at stake here, our whole carriers. Modest would never let us do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he said "that" in such a way he seemed disgusted by the word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"we don't need them to kiss in fucking public, Louis" he argued and... yep, that was anger bubbling up inside him. sue him, it was infuriating to hear those things coming from the person who promised him forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what about Eleanor?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis realized it was a big fucking mistake the second it left his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Eleanor? that's what you're concerned about? your fake girlfriend that calls hers what is </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" he sputtered and ooh, he was furious. he couldn't believe it. he knew it was a risk, but to react like that...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's not just her, Harry! it's literally fucking everybody we have ever met, every person or critic that has ever heard our name. I am concerned about them" Louis shouted back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"fuck them! fuck them, I don't give a flying fuck!" Harry said "I just want to show them who I am, who I love"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis opened his mouth to make probably another snarky remark. he thought it over before he spoke "I am not legally allowed to do that"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>time froze for a second. </span>
  <em>
    <span>what the fuck?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Harry though. then he repeated it out loud: "what the fuck?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wouldn't look at him and that was more maddening that anything else. he didn't trust Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"in 2010, Simon made me sign a contract that forbade me from coming out until the contract with Modest ended. additionally, every 18 month I have to sign additional papers to confirm I am going to maintain my promise"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what about the promise you made me?" he asked, more for lack of words. he couldn't believe it. the older remained silent "where we even together then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"no" Louis denied simply, shaking his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"then why-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"because apparently everybody could see from a hundred miles away that I was in love with you" Louis snapped, not allowing Harry to finish his words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"and you never thought about telling me?!" he asked, exasperated. he was tired of it all, he could feel it seeping into his boned, hollowing them out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he had enough of those lies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I did, Harry. but what good would it have been?" Louis responded with another question</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I could've at least know where we were standing! I was imagining a future with you, maybe even a family and you were out there signing contracts behind my back. contracts that strictly forbade you from telling anybody about </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>!" Harry shouted, now boiling over with red anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I had to! I did it for both of us, to assure a </span>
  <em>
    <span>carrier</span>
  </em>
  <span>" he complained as if he was the wronged one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"bullshit! total fucking bullshit. I had the right to </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Louis"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"stop complaining like a little bitch and be fucking realistic for once!" he shouted at him as he started to pace towards their hotel room door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry huffed in annoyance. was he really immature like that? "don't even fucking thing about living like that"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"are you going to change your mind about coming out?" he asked, hand placed on the door handle. Harry tried to pierce him with his gaze, bows pitched together. why couldn't Louis just see it? he was miserable, he couldn't keep it a secret anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>with some tone of finality, Harry curtly shook his head. Louis was out the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"fucking bastard" he cursed under his breath, rising from the table and heading </span>
  <em>
    <span>in the hallway</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"are you just going to up and leave like that?" Harry shouted towards him. Louis was a few feet away, back turned to him. he was supposed to be cautious, people could hear them, but he didn't fucking care.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"look, I don't think you fucking realize how much I sacrificed for you" Louis started, raising the pointer finger at him, and suddenly he was in his face "I put my entire fucking life on the line, my friends, my reputation, my bloody sanity!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry glared at him, and he was finally calm, like the way nature quiets down to a low hum right before a storm. "and you think I fucking didn't?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know what you did, Harry. </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you're always so confident and calm. I can't know if you're hurting" Louis complained and for the first time in that day he could see how tired he was. his eyes were bloodshot, skin just as sick as his and hair tousled. all signs of fight seemed to have left his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I always know if you're hurting. even if you don't tell me" he confessed quietly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"fucking good for you" Louis spat one last time in his face before turning on his heels and strutting away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it took Harry a few minutes to realize what happened. that was it. it was the end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>oh, boy. when he did finally process what that meant, he was a dead man. his feet buckled underneath him, knees coming in contact with the carpeted floor. Louis wasn't his anymore. Louis left him. Louis didn't want him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>tears spilled from his eyes without his permission, fat droplets running down his cheeks and crushing down. just like him. he barely registered the whimpers coming from his mouth as his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he was no good, really. he couldn't keep the best thing that fucking happened to him in his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he clutched at his chest, fisting the shirt. it smelled like them. he cried harder, vision blurry. the room seemed to be spinning with him, a constant thump beating from the inside of his head. he had never felt as much pain as he did in that moment. it was like the sensation of a burn you got from a bruise, the thing he felt when he fell into the abyss in his dreams. it was all the painful feelings he ever experienced morphed into one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it tore at him from inside, stopped his lungs from working. Harry desperately tried to force some oxygen down his throat, but it was in vain. he could feel his heart beating against his hand (surprisingly), but it was erratic, like his hole body was shaking. maybe it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry wondered for a second how there was still a heart inside him. didn't it follow Louis on the way out? it felt like it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the first days after were a blur. he couldn't go back inside, that was for sure. Harry could barely walk, let alone see their bedroom, scattered bedding, thrown clothes and all. no, that was out of the question. he sent somebody to pick his things up, which proved to be a challenge because "his things" hadn't belonged to a single person in a long time. lucky them (not really), the room was half empty when his man got there, every trace of Louis was gone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>except he could scent it in their clothes: honey, rain, black tea and everything in between. it was them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had to remind himself there wasn't a "them" anymore. it didn't stop him from wandering around that hotel every single day he spent in New York, in hopes that maybe he would spot him.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Nailler</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>he's already in London</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>stop walking on the streets like a lunatic</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>when did he arrive?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>idk</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>saw him in the studio a few mins ago </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>oh</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ok</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>he stared dumbly at his chat with Niall. Louis was back home, there was no point in hanging around anymore. Harry rose his gaze from the tiny screen to look at the offending building. </span>
  <em>
    <span>no point</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>the boys were the first to find out about their split. when Harry called the Irishman with a ragged breath and tried to fit as much of the story in as few seconds, Niall listened quietly. he gave his input when it was needed, but generally Harry just cried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Liam kind off already told me bits and pieces about it..." he told him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what?! when?" Harry asked hurriedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he could hear the gulp on the other side "just before you called. Louis contacted Zayn and- you know the drill. word spreads fast"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"right, sure"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he really tried to bite his tongue, to swallow the question "what did he say about it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Harry..."  Niall intervened quickly "I don't know, it was all a bit chaotic, he didn't have time to elaborate. and even if I knew, I wouldn't have told you" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"i don't need your fucking counseling" he spat through the phone and the silence with which he was greeted was understandable</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he waited for Niall to say something, too afraid to do so himself "look, I'm sorry mate" he finally had the courage to continue "I'm just on edge, but I shouldn't be taking it out on you. I'm sorry"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"damn right you shouldn't" he scolded "apology excepted. now get your sorry ass on a play to London and solve this shit"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry sighed right into the microphone, aware of the fact that the older was crazy worried for him "you know I can't do that, Niall"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he took a moment to harden his voice "fucking try"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and with that he hung up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Gemma?" he said as soon as she picked up. he sounded desperate, completely debauched, voice cracking at the end like he was a fucking toddler.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could hear some rustling on the other side of the line, then the sweet, sweet voice of his sister came through "are you alright, babe?" Gemma asked. it was surprising in itself because Gemma was always a 'bad bitch', to call her that. which was exactly the opposite of what Harry was. to quote his sister, he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>'honestly, a fucking wuss sometimes'</span>
  </em>
  <span>. but she knew when he actually needed her help, like in these moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"he-" his words cut of for a broken cry. Harry really had to get his emotions in check, he was on his way to a fucking meeting with the boys and their management team. he couldn't seem broken like that "he broke up with me, Gemma"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>a sharp intake of breath. some more rustling "I will cut his dick" she whispered sharply, but behind her threat, Harry could sense her pity and sadness. he managed to let out a small chuckle. he really missed his sister sometimes "what happened, Harry?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>then he launched into a quick story about everything that went on. he tried to speak as fast as he could as Harry's car sped around the streets of London.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"you know it's not your fault, right?" Gemma asked, all her attention clearly on him. she wanted to ease the pain as much as he could, Harry knew that. when she was answered with silence Gemma sternly scolded him "Harry..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, she sounded so much like Niall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"maybe. I don't know. maybe I was asking too much of him. maybe if I was a bit better, he would've had the courage to take the leap with me..." Harry responded truthfully because his sister was just as stubborn as him, probably even more. she would've gotten the words out of him one way or another.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>she gave a deep sigh "you're not asking too much to leave your truth. you're not asking too much to be fucking happy. that's basic human decency. and you're perfect just the way you are, darling. if he doesn't see it then maybe he's not the one for you"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>a pained whimper left his mouth without his permission "I kind of think he was"</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>to say the meeting didn't go well was a fucking understandment. he could feel Louis's gaze fleeting from him from time to time. which was supposed to be fine because they constantly did that. it was part of their relationship. only that said relationship didn't exist anymore, but all those years he developed some kind of a radar for Louis could not be erased. frankly, Harry found he didn't want to. he was the only one that could read Louis like an open book, he was the only one that could predict his every motion. that made Harry special in a way, although he wasn't quite sure if it was good or bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was studying him, that was the thing. he was looking for... something. Harry was afraid he found it. he knew how he looked, like somebody ran him over with a truck. everybody knew why.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>what hurt even more was that the older looked completely fine. his hair was shining, like it did when he had recently showered, the stubble he sported a few days ago was gone and his eyes didn't contain any sight of red. he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>in truth, he was scared to watch him more, scared that his heart might finally decide to jump out and drag itself to where it belonged. his own ribs felt tight around him, pushing at his insides and constricting his breathing. what he didn't know was that if he got over his stupid childish horrors, he would've seen the absence of light in those pretty blue eyes. they took on a grey hue, like the color disappeared completely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>there was no point to shine over a darkened soul.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>maybe it was better he </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn't</span>
  </em>
  <span> notice it because honestly what would Harry do with that information? store it away to cry over it later? definitely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>in the midst of freaking out and almost having a panic attack, he caught Simon's gaze from the other side of the table. it lasted for a split second, but Harry was already about to vomit his nonexistent meal. the man quickly directed his eyes towards Louis, analyzing him for a while, too, before he set on the younger. he could see the question in his features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>there was no way he figured it out </span>
  <em>
    <span>that fast</span>
  </em>
  <span>. it was impossible. but then again, Simon Cowell was a smart man. that didn't make him less of a fucking bitch. he knew. </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry immediately pinched his brows and sat straighter in his chair, struggling to look guarded and collected, more like the man he used to be. he coyly looked to the side, for the first time in that day searching for Louis's eyes. their gazes quickly connected and he got so fucking lost in that space that always formed between them, a middle ground where their thoughts intertwined, like they were a single person. he closed his eyes, basked in the emotion of feeling less alone. Harry was safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>well, not anymore, and that thought was strong enough to snap him out of it. he sternly looked at Louis, but the later just pursed his lips, silently asking for an answer. he tried to be subtle when he pointed with his chin across the table where that evil man was currently skimming through some papers, shark grin on his lips. gross...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could pinpoint the exact moment realization dawned upon the other, the muscles into his face going lax. Harry gave a tight lipped smile, unable to do anything more. but then Louis sharply turned his head around without sparing a thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>oh, yeah. Louis gave up on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>not seeing him in such a long time was... unusual, to say the least.  Harry was used to depending on someone by then. taking that person away was like physically losing a hand. he discovered so many thing he didn't know about himself, and while that was supposed to be refreshing, like finding his true self, it was utter shit. he would rather live his entire life not knowing that every shirt he bought was a little too tight on him so it would be just a little too large on Louis. he didn't like to know that half of the things he wore didn't belong to him, he didn't like to know that he was shit at making coffee and tea or finding any means of entertainment that didn't consist of annoying the crap out of Louis. no, he didn't like it, thank you very much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"c'mon, man, get off the couch," Liam pleaded pathetically. he had been sitting down for the last 15 minutes, waiting for Harry to go shower and get some food into his system. "if you don't do it I'm calling him to come and collect you"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry only huffed, muffled by the cushions he was face-planting into. "as if he would come..." he helplessly complained, but before Liam could scold him some more (typical), he heard the unmistakable ringing of a call</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"let's see what he thinks"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he jumped up like he was zapped, sitting straight with his arms lack at his sided "Liam," he tried, imposing, but the other just looked at him with one brow rose "Liam, please, hang up before he picks up"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lord had mercy and the older indulged in him. "now go get showered, Harry. you fucking smell"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the boy actually deflated, but stomped towards his room nonetheless</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"bossy bitch," he cursed under his breath, aware that he was acting like a toddler</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"what did you say, young man?" Liam called after him down the hallway</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"nothing!" the answered was followed by a hearty laugh. Harry thought it was fitting. every kid needed a parent after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Louis?" Niall tried, first asking quietly "Louis! you're going to chop off a fucking finger!" he then shouted</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally froze in his place, knife placed to the side. Niall rarely swore. it took him by surprise, but he quickly reminded himself that '</span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck Niall</span>
  </em>
  <span>'.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he continued to furiously cut a bell pepper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, mate, but apparently I am incapable of existing on my own. so now I have to fucking learn how to cook" he hissed, movements fast and sporadic. it was no good, he knew. Harry once told him it was dangerous for him to even boil water, that  Louis anywhere inside the kitchen represented a fire hazard. which was ironic for somebody who barely even touched the kettle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he didn't want to look over his shoulder, Louis knew what sight awaited him: Niall with his eyes looking down, mouth in a scowl and an undeniable pity in his eyes. it didn't matter, nothing would change the truth. and the truth was that Louis threw away his only shred of happiness. and while that might be a little over-dramatic, it quite felt like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he dumped the chopped vegetables into the heated pan. since when did cooking look </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> aggressive? "and also, do the laundry, iron my clothes, clean literally anything, do the groceries on my own instead of playing on my phone, whining and remember to stop myself from writing when I'm a minute away from starvation or passing out" he went off, head moving from side to side in annoyance. he was fucking fuming. how hadn't he noticed it all before?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it sounds like you are completely useless" the other lad commented, voice filled with distrust. Louis twisted so fast he was afraid for a second he would snap in half</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"seems like it, yeah" he agreed with Niall for the first time that day</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"that's not true" he said, making a move to reach out, but thought better of it. Louis was on edge. like, so an edge that a light breeze could tip him over into a gap filled with void. on the rare occasions that did happen, there was only a single person that could bring him back. his... status was currently unavailable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the boys had been walking on their tiptoes around Louis and Harry, weighting every word and action. their situation was entirely new and it filled every room with some type of tension.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the older stood leaning back against the counter, palms flat on top of it. his eyes skimmed around the apartment, taking it all in as if it was the first time. he looked jittery.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>a 'ding!' was heard somewhere in the flat, followed by a quick "oh, shit!" from Louis as he padded hurriedly towards the bathroom, where the washing machine was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>in the short stretch of time he spent away, the vegetables in his pan caught on fire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Louis, your dinner is burning!" Niall yelled at him. a loud thump echoed, probably the laundry basket, and Louis appeared back into the kitchen, almost sprinting. he alternated between "shit!" and "fuck!" as he tried to salvage his food. it was in vain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he hung his head low, taking deep breaths as Niall stared intently at the back of his head. he was a mess, but the younger knew for a fact that he was not the only one. he and Liam tried hard to establish some kind of peace, but the boys were always stubborn, and this time it was no different. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am going to burn this whole fucking place down" Louis finally whispered, voice trembling and Niall feared for a second that he was going to have a manic fit and actually go through with it. which would've been problematic in itself, but the flat was also a rental. it made everything twice as hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>officially, Harry and Louis had been living separately for the last 2-3 years, but that statement was made without their accord to shoo the media away. they </span>
  <em>
    <span>refused</span>
  </em>
  <span> to move away, which led to elaborate skims around London just to get home. sacrifices had to be made, but looking back on it, Louis missed those times. he didn't mind the additional hour he had to spend in a car if he came home to anything but </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> was a fucking nightmare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry somehow got to keep their apartment, but that was alright because Louis quite literally shattered his heart. he knew about that, he wasn't a fool, he just tried to push the thought away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it will be better in the long run," he told himself as he stared dumbly at his bedroom ceiling. it was already pitch black outside and Niall left a few hours ago, a defeated look on his face and a request on his lips: "take care of yourself, man", to which he could only nod. Louis wanted to burn his whole fucking skin if it meant he could feel some fucking warmth. all in all, life was no good, but he stood by his decision. the longer they spent together translated into less time to heal and more time to fall even deeper in love. even after almost 5 fucking years, Louis knew he was only bound to fall harder. that's how it went with Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he tried to shut his mind off as he turned to the side, eyes stubbornly closing. if Louis tried hard enough, maybe he would fall asleep</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"we were never going to last," he whispered to no one in particular</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
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